Bad little girl
You know that feeling you have at the airport when you see a lot of police and you start trying to act “normal” even though you didn’t do anything wrong?
Or the anxiety you feel when the phone rings and you don’t know who it is?
That’s part of our collective psyche. We have inherited a feeling of badness.
It’s important to work through this, to come into contact with this part of our shadow, this part of our Christian heritage. Several thousand years of splitting reality into good and evil.
These days, we use group shaming to take advantage of this feeling inside in order to control people
That’s the reason people don’t share what they feel, they don’t share what they want to say because they fear being villainized.
I have said something that lands in the middle group within my psychotherapy program and now I am being excluded from the group. I am suspended. I have been bad. There is an investigation to determine the extent of my badness, which will be determined by the reactions to what I said. Not what I said itself.
And I can say the feelings and sensations that come up are familiar to me.
I can watch them happening. I am being chastised as a bad girl. This is the worst they can do to me.
But it is a lot, if you can’t see that it is happening. Or if you being to believe them. Because there is the space in the depth of our psyche, in the roots of our pelvis, that might believe that we are evil. Because this is an unconsciously framed way of experiencing reality.
Luckily I have colleagues and friends who mirror that my words are not evil. That I am not evil. But it is human, it is a natural social response, we as social beings experience, to feel upon being excluded, that we are in fact, evil.
This is part of why we are so deeply tribal. We need acceptance to counter the intensity of these feelings and sensations.
So I want to share that in this moment, yes I feel intensity of feelings inside me. I feel sensations in my pelvis, I feel fluttering of energy in my chest.
I would say this has activated my family complexes. Where I also performed a scapegoat like role. These family complexes blend into a cultural god complex, the split of good and evil.
It has been intense. But now that I have been villainized, as I always felt fated to be, I can answer the phone.
The energy coursing through me is intense. I am having to do a lot of work in allowing energy to move through me, to work creatively with my complexes.
Yesterday I felt a need to better differentiate this energy. To see it outside of myself where I can look at it more clearly. So I took an Old painting of me in a garden and turned it into me in hell. So I can laugh at the image, but also see how powerfully and deeply it shapes my experience, even as I rail against it.
It threatens to crush me if I don’t work with it. And, when I have had less support, it has taken me into depressions for years. Manias, even. This is the root of a great deal of suffering in our society.
And this condemnation is what our current status quo is doing to people.
We are policing and crucifying.
We are using our social tools to keep people down.
It is my intention to articulate how this feels on the inside and show how powerful it can be to work with these energies rather than take them as truth.
Because this is the work I do with people. Investigating the complexes, the beliefs that we have inherited that choke us from the inside out. That constellate events in the outer world to bring them to consciousness.
Owning my villain, rather than hiding her. Rather than swallowing my words to appease, to belong.
This is a deeper level of healing than being a good little girl.
When we try to appease and belong. When we identify as good. We throw our bad little girl into the depths of our belly.